Happy 4th Birthday Adalyn May

Wow. Four years. On this day four years ago I was holding you in my arms saying our last temporary goodbyes. That was the hardest, yet one of the best days of my life. I finally got to hold you in my arms, but I also had to say goodbye. That goodbye was so bittersweet, because I wanted to be so selfish and keep you here on earth with me, but I knew that you were with Jesus, and one day we would be together again. 

Those 38 weeks that I was able to carry you were such a blessing. I loved feeling your hiccups, your kicks, and your little personality, all while you were in my belly. I pray that you could feel how much we loved you inside of there, and how much we still love you. Choosing life and choosing you was the best decision we ever made. Even though you were here on earth with us for such a short time, my life will never be the same. Having you in my life has made me a better person and mother. I have been able to appreciate life so much more, love so much harder, and my faith has grown so much more. 

I know that despite being a better person because of you, I am so far from perfect. I sometimes struggle.. okay I struggle a lot, to trust God and His plan completely. I know without a doubt that He put you in our lives for a reason, and I am forever grateful He chose us as your parents. What I struggle with is being afraid to go through what we went through with you again. I still grieve for you everyday, and I am doing my best to honor you and your beautiful story, but I am so afraid to lose another child. When I was pregnant with your brother, I had anxiety each and every day that something would happen. It wasn't until he was crying in my arms that I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and finally shed nothing but happy tears. And now, I am carrying another sibling of yours, and I thought the anxiety would be better once we had a healthy baby in our lives.. but it is worse. I pray each and every day for God to give me the strength to totally trust in His plan and for a healthy baby, and one day I will be able to overcome this fear.. but today is not one of those days. One thing I do know, is that you will watch over this sweet baby just as you have watched over your crazy brother. I feel it in my heart. 

When I see little girls who would be your age, or even hear the name Adalyn, I always get a sharp pain in my heart. I constantly try to imagine what you would have gotten into here on earth! Would you have loved Barbies or hated them like your mommy did? Would you be playing soccer this fall and be the feisty one on the field growling at the boys like your mommy did? Or maybe you would have been a dancer? I can only imagine what you would be like now, and I know you would be, and still are, an amazing girl. Sometimes I do get jealous when I see other little girls with their families, and I wish that I could watch you grow up like they can. I even picture what is would be like to watch your daddy walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. I know that is one thing he will miss the most. But we remind ourselves that God had a bigger purpose for us, and that one day we will get to spend eternity with you.. which is much better than this temporary time on earth. 

I know that there are so many mothers and families out there who have gone through what we went through, or will go through what we went through, so I am not alone in my struggles. People are grieving each and every day from going through a loss. My hope is that your beautiful life, and your story, will be able to help someone else get through the unimaginable. Thank you for being my beautiful, sweet angel. You are so very loved.

Happy birthday Adalyn May!


This is my message to those who read this: I pray that our story will show people that they are not alone. That they will know the pain does get better.. even though it never completely goes away. And that choosing life is the best choice they can make. God had a plan for each and every child before they were even created, and He gives us each and every child for a specific purpose, so embrace your story and your pain, and know that with God all things are possible. My life will forever be changed and I can say without a doubt that I am stronger today than I was 4 years ago. Learn to lean on the Lord and trust that He already knows your heart.. He will not give you more than you can handle WITH HIM. And finally, know that you are not alone in your struggles. Whether you have gone through the loss of a child, a family member, a divorce, the loss of a job, or anything else, the Lord is with you. He will not forsake you and will be there with you each step of the way. Hang in there!

Gungor: Beautiful Things

James 1:2-4
"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Always and Forever

As I sit here in the back seat on our way to Nashville to spend time this weekend as a family, I get this sharp pain in my heart.... someone is missing. Our whole family is not here.. at least not physically. We are missing our sweet angel Adalyn. Of course this is not the first time I have felt this, in fact I feel it every second of every day, but it is really hitting me as we get closer to her second birthday. Our sweet Adalyn May would be turning two years old in a few weeks. Where has the time gone? While I sit here admiring our beautiful almost seven month old son who I thank God for every day I still have this deep pain and empty place in my heart where I am always missing our little girl.

I know that time has passed since I held her in my arms and we have gotten through the intense stages of grief, but not a second passes during the day where I don't miss our little girl. Some of you have been so kind and empathetic even up to this point which makes us feel a sense of hope, because you still talk about her and mention her in our conversations. It really means a lot to know that she has not been forgotten, and she has surely made an impact on others' lives.

Through this experience we have met a lot of amazing people and have also learned a lot about people we already knew. Some of those people have lost children too, whether it be through miscarriage or a similar situation to ours, they have gone through the same devastation of losing a child. We are not the only people in the universe who has lost a child. Sometimes I wonder why God lets things like this happen.. why would He let anyone suffer so much pain? There is so much going on in this world, from the violence and chaos in Ferguson, MO, to the monsters who call themselves ISIS who have been slaughtering innocent Christians and people. Again, why does God let these things happen?

I know I don't have all the answers, and I never will, but the major thing I have learned from all this is that God is right there hurting with you. He does not want you to hurt, but He is wanting to strengthen you through this experience. He is wanting you to reach out for Him and He wants you to want Him in your life. Things may seem awful or impossible, but He wants to help you get through the worst. You do not need to try to get through things on tour own.. you dont have to be strong! It is okay to feel weak and need help. That is what He is there for. To pick you off the floor and make you stronger! James 1:2-4 has been a verse I constantly fall back on.. "2. consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3. because you knkw that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking in anything.

Recently I have had a couple very dear people in my life who have been diagnosed with cancer. It has really made me evaluate things and has also made me even more thankful every day for all of the blessings God has placed in our lives. What I have learned from all of this is that God has a purpose for everything He places in your life. Whether it be job relocations, job losses, sickness, or even death, He knows the plans He has made for you even before it happens. Those times of sickness and grief are not intended to break you. In fact it is just the opposite. Even at the darkest of times when you can not see over that massive mountain in front of you, remember that it was put there to make you stronger. James 1:2-4 is a constant reminder to that. Don't be afraid to ask God to help you move that mountain... He is definitely capable of it. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!


On another note, I know people have mixed feelings about tattoos (mom) but I have been wanting to get something that I can ALWAYS carry with me to look down at and smile remembering my beautiful little girl. I recently had someone design it and got it done about six weeks ago, but here is my small memorial to our little girl.

Mark and I have recently been doing a lot of talking about angels... and we have decided that our sweet angel has been watching over her little brother. It is the only explanation for all of the many times little Caden has looked up at "nothing" on the ceiling and smiles and laughs. It is a daily occurrence... sometimes he will be upset or fussy and will look straight up in his crib or laying on our bed and will get a huge grin on his face. There is no doubt in my mind that angels exist, and I am certain our Addy May is a beautiful angel watching down on us. I have heard that babies and children can see angels... so maybe he sees his big sissy :-)

Love you always and forever Adalyn May ♡♡

Happy Birthday Adalyn May!

Happy Birthday Adalyn May!

One year ago today you came into this world. From that day we got the huge surprise of the positive pregnancy test even while I sit here contemplating what to write, I can say without a doubt that our lives have forever been changed.

I have been thinking about this day for a while now, and as I thought about it I was trying to anticipate how I would handle it. Would I be able to get out of bed in the morning? Would I be able to make it through a full day of work? Well, I sit here right now with a vast amount of mixed emotions. Of course I am sad and continue to grieve our sweet angel girl, but I also sit here with an amazing amount of joy. When we first found out the diagnosis of Trisomy 13, I was so angry and in disbelief that something that horrible could happen to us. Over the last year I have come to take those feelings back. God did not take our little girl to spite us, he BLESSED us with her. 

Just knowing that He chose us to bring her into the world gives me joy. In Romans 5:3-5 it says: 

3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I can say without a doubt that we are both better people, better in our relationship, and better in our relationship with Christ. We have grown so much because she was given to us.

Of course not everything about our sweet angel's diagnosis is all peaches and cream, because I still wake up every single day missing her and wishing she was there. We have conversations all the time about what she would be doing today if she were here. Would she be walking already? Probably, because she has her daddy's genes in there. Everytime we walk through the stores and see princess toys or adorable girl's clothes we get a little envious and sad that we can not buy these things for her. We will never be able to buy her tutus or princess clothes, and will never be able to sign her up for soccer or even dance. I think about these things every day.

But then, when I think of these things I still remind myself how blessed we are and how one day in the future we will be able to spend eternity with her and do whatever we want with her. Maybe we will have a family soccer game or eat blueberry softserve ice cream as much as we want. We will get to see her without an ounce of pain or suffering, and she will be her perfect self. Until then, she will be our guardian angel.

For anyone that we do not talk to or see regularly, I am happy to announce that our sweet Adalyn is going to be a big sister. Her little brother is due February 8 of next year. She will have her hands full watching out for him that's for sure. 

I also want to give a big thank you to those of you who follow this blog and who have supported us through prayer or kind words. We are so blessed to have the people that we do in our lives. We continue to ask for prayers as we miss our sweet girl daily and also for her brother to be healthy and safe. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Making Beautiful Things Out of Dust...

"All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?"

A wonderful friend recently sent me a CD called "Addy's Mix" in the mail. She also lost her daughter not long after we did, and told me that she listens to these songs when she is feeling down to help pick her up. The above lyrics are from a song called "Beautiful Things" by a band called Gungor. This song is on that CD... and I have been putting it on repeat every time I get in my car. The lyrics have really touched me and I have felt God telling me there is a reason I have been stuck on this song...

You see, I have been struggling more than I realized lately and have had a heavy heart. I had thought that the grief would get better over time... but it hasn't. Things are supposed to get easier over time, are they not? Instead, I find myself thinking of our little girl all the time and wondering what she would be doing right now. I see pictures of friends' babies who have reached milestones such as turning three months old. I am excited for them, but at the same time I catch myself thinking "Adalyn would be three months today..." or "she should have been in that family picture...". I know that grief effects everyone differently, and for me, it is going to get harder before it gets easier.

That is why I decided to post this.... for all of you who have been suffering or who have suffered at one point in your life. I tell myself everyday that there are countless others who have lost a child or who have been suffering lately. I am not the only one. But we can do something with this suffering. Instead of waking up everyday and thinking of the "what ifs" and letting it bring us down, we can use our pain. 

Recently, we had a guest speaker at church, who did a sermon solely on suffering and titled it "A Life and Death Matter". She talked about James 1:1-18, which is about trials and temptations.   

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
⁹ Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. ¹⁰ But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. ¹¹ For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸ He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

"The testing of your faith produces perseverance...." God is using these trials to make you stronger! "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life..." Anyone who is going through a trial right now might not feel very blessed or feel very loved. But ultimately, you are blessed! These trials in your life are put there to make you stronger, so that you may use them to help others and to draw nearer to the Lord. One definition of the word blessed is: divinely or supremely favored; fortunate. We are given these trials because He knows that we can get through them with His help. In the end, you will come out stronger and a better person if you rely on Him. Do not let this suffering go to waste or bring you down.... use it to come out stronger and better. As it says in verse 12... that person will receive the CROWN OF LIFE.... 

The rest of the Gungor song sums it up: 
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.


All around,
Hope is springin up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.


You make me new,
You are making me new.
You make me new,
You are making me new. (making me new.)

Happy Holidays!

It has been a few weeks since I last posted on here and even though Adalyn is no longer with us on earth, I thought I would continue to update our blog so that her story can continue to touch others' lives. I have been having a lot of thoughts flooding my mind lately so here goes nothing....

Well, the holidays are officially here! For those of you who know me personally, I do not have to remind you what this means to me... but for those of you reading this who I have not had the privilege of meeting, I will sum it up in one sentence: I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Of course the pretty decorations, gorgeous light displays, delicious food, and wonderful music are all really nice... but that is not my favorite thing about this season. It is the Christmas spirit that rapidly spreads through so many people that I enjoy. Everyone seems to be a little bit happier and nicer during these times. People are in a more giving spirit and want to help others more around Christmas! This is where the Advent Conspiracy comes into play. What is the Advent Conspiracy you may ask? Here is the link: Advent Conspiracy. Okay okay I know it sounds like a promotional ad, but this is something that means a lot to me. If everyone were to buy a little less and give a little more, the world would be a much better place!

To change the subject, I do want to spend a little time talking about our family. A lot of people have been telling us that they are still praying for us, which means the world. It has been almost 10 weeks since our precious angel's birthday. We still miss her every second of every day, and will never stop missing her. It has been a journey of ups and downs, and I know that we will continue to face obstacles in the times to come. We still pray for Him to give us strength all the time, because we are human and will hurt some days worse than others. We continue to grieve in our own ways, and will always grieve for our little girl. 

Even though I am so excited that it is the Christmas season, it just is not the same this year as it has been in the past. This holiday season is probably going to be the hardest. It definitely has already started to get hard. It started with Halloween... when we realized that we were not going to be able to dress our little girl in the lady bug costume that we had in mind for her. When we first found out she was due before Halloween, we were so excited that we were going to be able to dress her up in an itty bitty costume. Baby lady bugs are just so cute! 

Thanksgiving.... it was definitely a little hard, because we both knew that someone was missing. It was a mixture of emotions that day as we sat around with all of our friends and enjoyed each others' company. We have so many things to be thankful for, and we will always praise Him for all of the things that he has blessed us with. We have an amazing group of people in our lives who I thank God for every day. Our friends and family have been our rock this last year, and we do not know where we would be without them. We also live in an awesome city and have gotten an experience that we will cherish forever. I could go on about all of the things we are thankful for.. but the main thing is Adalyn May. We are so thankful for the time that we had with her and to know that we will one day be reunited with her. We can not wait to get to hold her and hug her again! So even though I have been angry several times this past year, it is safe to say that we are so blessed. I pray that you will also look back and see all of the things that God has blessed you with in your life. Even the small things.... be sure to thank Him for being so merciful and loving!

 Today it really hit me hard when we were out buying our Christmas tree and started setting it up. I realized that we will never get to take Addy to help pick out a Christmas tree. She will never get to help hang ornaments while listening to Christmas music and drinking eggnog (family tradition). We will never be able to take her to get her picture with Santa, or dress her in a beautiful Christmas dress. We will also never get to see her face on Christmas morning as she opens up her gifts from Santa. For the longest time I had been looking forward to starting a family and creating our own traditions every year. I would constantly bug Mark about all of the things I could not wait to do with our children every holiday season. One day we may have other children that we get to do these things with, but we will never get to do them with our little Adalyn. I know that over the years things will get easier, but in my heart I will always think this. 

For now, we just have to remind ourselves that our sweet angel is looking down on us and would want us to be happy and to enjoy this season. Again, it is so bittersweet... knowing that we have been blessed with our little girl, but not getting to do these little things with her as she grows up. There are probably so many people out there who have lost a child like we have, and our also hurting right now. I ask all of you to say a special prayer for these families during this time. 

On a happier note, we would like to welcome Adalyn's new cousin, Gabriel Michael, into our family! Baby Gabe was born last Wednesday at a healthy 8 lbs 6 oz! We are so excited to meet our new nephew this Christmas! I know that Adalyn is looking down and loving her new cousin... she can already start her guardian angel duties! 

Mark and I got to go home for his best friend Jeremy's wedding last month. He was a handsome groomsman!

Mark surprised me last night by taking me downtown to get sushi and to see the Grinch musical! The Grinch is my favorite movie ever... so it was a wonderful surprise!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I have learned a lot of things during this journey, one of them being that we are only one of countless families that have lost a child. Before our lives changed with the devastating diagnosis, we were so oblivious to what was going on around us. I have heard from so many women who have told me about their miscarriages and what they have gone through. They tell me that it is not quite the same as what we have gone through, but it does not matter if it is the same because one way or the other, it is devastating. 

I also hear about friends of friends who have had babies with some kind of illness or trisomy. They have lost their children at some point, and have gone through what Mark and I are going through. I had no idea how many there were until now, and it makes me wonder why God lets these things happen. I know that He probably has a plan in mind for each of these families, but it is hard to think that so many babies have passed away. 

I am writing this post in honor of all of these people who have lost a child or children. No matter what the circumstance, it affects us for the rest of our lives. We will always grieve and remember our children. Even if and when we go on to have other children, we will always think about the ones we have lost, and how they should be growing up right alongside their siblings. Life is not fair, but it is how we handle it and what we make of what is thrown at us that makes us who we are. We have been forever changed, and have become stronger and better people.

As Mark and I still grieve, there have been talks about trying again for another baby. We feel that in some way, it will help our grieving process. To think that one day we will be able to have a healthy baby gives us hope during these times. One thing that crosses our thoughts is what people will think of us if we get pregnant again. Will they think that we are trying to "replace" our little girl? I would hope not... we know that we have so many people who love and will always support us. I recently read a quote that says "I could go on to have 1,000 more children.... but there will always be 1 missing." This is so true... Adalyn will forever be in our hearts and minds, and we will never be trying to "replace" her. We always say that one day Addy will have brothers and sisters, and will be their guardian angel. Grandma Scholz reminded us that she will have her hands full if our children are anything like we were. Get ready Addy!!

"Although we know that after such a loss, the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute.  No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish". -Sigmund Frued

Update..

First off, I want to thank everyone who read my last post and prayed for these two families. I know they appreciated the prayers, and will appreciate even more prayers as they continue to go through their journeys. 

I will start off with an update on the Romito family. Little Robbie had his open heart surgery last Thursday to fix his precious little heart. The surgery was a success and he is recovering wonderfully! Every day he gets stronger and they get closer to bringing him home. God is so good!! I am sure they will appreciate more prayers that he continues to get better everyday :-)

The other family I asked for prayers is the Davis family. Little Kinsley was born last Wednesday around 4:00 p.m. and survived 39 minutes. They had 39 precious minutes with their beautiful girl before she went to go see Jesus. Please pray for comfort, peace, and strength for Katie and Josh as they continue on this journey until the day they are reunited with their little girl. It has been a bittersweet journey that both of our families have been on, as we have been blessed with beautiful little angels, yet we only had a short time with them. I know that Adalyn was there to greet little Kinsley, along with their friend Harrison Mummert. These three precious angels will probably be best friends and will be there waiting for us when we finally get to be reunited.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. These two families, along with Mark and I, are forever grateful for people like you who have been there for us. 

Update on our family: 

Mark and I spent two wonderful weeks back in Dayton with friends and family. We were surrounded by love and support the entire time. Thank you everyone for blessing us with lots of love and comfort! We are now home, and we brought someone back with us. Little miss Roxy made the 14 hour trip back to Boston! She is our 50 lb mutt who is full of energy. We will definitely keep busy with her!

We will continue to post updates on our family, as we have both heard our calling to use our precious Addy May to show God's love and grace. I am not sure exactly how he wants to continue to use us, but I pray that He will lead us on this journey. Thank you all again for helping us on it... we are so blessed!

Urgent Prayer Request

Prayer Request #1:

Over the last several months I have met new people who are on or who have been on the same type of journey that Mark and I are on. We are members of a community that is called Living With Trisomy 13, where we can meet people who have had or currently have children with trisomy 13. One relationship that we have developed is with a young couple from Arizona, who found out about four weeks after me and Mark that their little girl has full trisomy 13. Her name is Kinsley, and her parents are Katy and Josh. They are an awesome family and we have grown close over the last few months as we have gone through this journey together.

I got a text message around 1 a.m. last night that said her water broke and Kinsley is coming. She is currently only 35 weeks, but we are praying that their hopes and prayers get answered and they get to at least meet their little girl. I know how much it would mean for them to get to hold her while she has a heartbeat, but if it is not in God's plan then I ask for prayers for comfort and strength for them. 

Please pray for their family during this time that they receive comfort and great care, and pray for their little girl Kinsley.  

Prayer Request #2:

When I found out I was pregnant and decided to tell all my best friends back home about it at six weeks (we could not wait any longer), that SAME exact night my best friend Fiona also announced that she was PREGNANT. We were due less than a week apart... how crazy is that?! 

Her little boy Robert (Robbie) was born last Thursday. Everything was going great until about 30 seconds after he came out he stopped breathing. They originally thought it was just fluid that he could not get out, but when they did further tests they discovered he has a severe heart defect. His arteries were not hooked up to the correct part of his heart.

After transferring him to Cincinnati Children's Hospital, they have been waiting to find out when he is to get surgery. The surgery board met yesterday and decided that his surgery will be tomorrow. PLEASE pray for Robbie to get through his surgery, and for his parents to stay strong. Also pray for the Lord to guide the doctor's hands through this surgery.


Philippians 4:6-7 do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:3

"I thank my God every time I remember you." ~ Philippians 1:3

It has been two weeks since the bittersweet day that we got to spend with our precious angel, Adalyn May. For all of you that have been following our story, I want you to know that we are still going strong. God has blessed us with the strength to continue on this journey and to spread the amazing story of our beautiful and wonderful little girl. 

A few days after her birth, we had a small memorial/celebration in honor of Addy. A friend of ours who is the young adult pastor at our church prepared a short but sweet service for us. Both sets of parents were there along with a couple friends we have grown close to this past year. The funeral home that we were working with picked her up from the hospital and got her cremated (at no cost). They bought a heart urn to put her ashes in and then we put that in a teddy bear. They told us they actually had to use two urns because she would not fit in one urn... Mark made the comment that she continues to be her stubborn self! We brought the bear to the service and placed her on the beautiful blankets that her grandmother's made for her. Everything was perfect and we are very thankful for everyone who aided in this process.

That Sunday we decided to make the trip home (Dayton, Ohio) to spend time with family and friends. Surrounding ourselves with people who love us and support us has helped to renew our strength. On Sunday, we got to go back to the church that we were members at before we moved. They invited our entire family up to the front during the service to receive prayer, and after service others from the church prayed for me and Mark. We definitely felt His presence during this time and we were also encouraged by what we heard from the members. 

Being told that we have inspired people and made an impact on others' lives gave us so much encouragement and inspiration to continue on this journey. So many people told us how much of an impact our precious Adalyn made on their life, and will continue to make. We also heard that we have helped to be a poster child for anti-abortion. To know that our story may save a child's life in the future reminds me of part of the reason our little girl was given to us. 

On Friday, I met up with friends for our old ritual of dinner at El Toro. It used to be a weekly routine to get together there once a week to catch up with friends. A few of them gave us some gifts in memory of Addy. One of the gifts was a beautiful photo album that had Adalyn's name engraved on it along with Philippians 1:3. This verse says "I thank my God every time I remember you." It was the perfect verse and could not have been said more perfectly. Every night since she was born, Mark and I spend some time talking to Adalyn before we go to bed. I make sure to tell her how proud I am to be her mommy and how thankful I am that she is mine. We also say a prayer thanking God for our perfect little girl.

Of course we are still grieving, and will continue to grieve for our precious angel for a long time, but we are still at peace and extremely thankful that she was put in our lives. I constantly tell Mark how much I miss her and wish that I could hold her in my arms. I will always wish that we could watch her grow up and see what kind of amazing woman she becomes. We will not get to see who was right in our argument about whether she becomes a goalie like her dad or a forward like her mom. Or whether she even plays soccer for that matter! I will never get to watch Mark walk her down the aisle for her wedding or dance with her for the father/daughter dance after. All of these things make me sad and angry at times, but I will never regret a single memory we have with her. I know that Adalyn was created for us and given to us for a reason, and we will always cherish that. We will forever be her parents and will forever love her. One day we will have brothers and sisters for her, and she will get to be their guardian angel. Grandma Scholz said that she will have her hands full with that, since their daddy was such a trouble maker from the start!

We cannot wait to be reunited with our Addy May and to get to do the things we would have done on this earth together. Until that day we are reunited with our little girl, we will continue to take every day one day at a time, and will always ask for prayers for strength. "I can do everything through Him who gives me strength" ~ Philippians 4:13. 

On another note, Mark came up with an idea to help keep Adalyn's memory alive. We designed some wrist bands to wear in memory of her. They have her name and birthday in pink writing (for our little princess). For those of you who I see or will see, if you would like one please feel free to let me know. They even glow in the dark (of course Addy wants to make a statement!)

September 18, 2012: Happy Birthday Adalyn May

Adalyn May: Our Precious Heavenly Angel

48 hours ago our precious and most perfect little girl came into this world. Although her heart was not beating and her spirit was not there, Mark and I were at peace and were so happy to be holding our Addy May. 

 Around four and a half months ago, Mark and I were so angry, heartbroken, and confused. We repeatedly thought, why us? How could something like this happen to such a young, happy couple? Last night as Mark and I were laying in bed talking about how beautiful and perfect our little girl was and is (I will get more into that later), almost everything came into place for me. This is exactly where Mark and I are supposed to be. Everything that has happened in the last several months has been for a specific reason and I have never heard God speak to me so clearly in my entire life. Adalyn May was perfectly designed and made for us. He had a very specific plan for our family and this calling has never been more clear to us.

Adalyn has already touched so many lives and will continue to touch many more. The 37 weeks that we were given with her were so amazing that I would NEVER regret a single decision that we made. We got to know her personality long before she was born... our little dancing soccer player who was stubborn and had attitude (sounds familiar). Every single kick, punch, and dance party that we got to feel and watch will be remembered for the rest of our lives. We are so happy to know that she is now in heaven and will be able to play soccer and have as many dance parties as she wants. Mark and I will have to practice our soccer skills so that we can give her at least some competition when we get to meet her!

If not for our faith Mark and I would not be in the position we are in today. To know that she has already gotten to be held by Jesus and that she is being spoiled by all of her grandparents and family that are up there is the most comforting thing for us. She will be waiting for us and Mark and I will be counting down the days until we get to meet her and hold her again. I also hope that this message will get to countless others so that you can see that with God, anything is possible. Yes, we are still heartbroken and miss our precious little girl dearly, but we have an amazing sense of peace and comfort. We have a huge hill to climb but we know that things can only get better and we will get though this with God and prayers. 

PRAYER... the one word that we have heard and used countless times during this pregnancy. We never truly knew the full power of that word until Monday night when we got that terrible news. Let this be a testimony to how amazing and powerful prayer really is. I am sitting here today writing this with a total sense of peace and we know that we are so blessed to have Adalyn as our little girl and to be where we are today. I know that I have said it before, but I will say it again... THANK YOU to everyone who has said a prayer for our family. Words can not truly express how thankful we are to have had all the support that we have been given over the last several months. Of course we will continue to ask for prayer so that we can continue to stay strong through the tough times that are still to come. We know that we will have our good days and our bad days but with prayer, we will get through them.

So, this is the point where I tell you about the last few days and how we got to where we are now. On Monday, September 17, I started to have some real signs of labor. Somehow, I remained calm and called my doctor's office. Since I had not felt movement for about a week, they thought it may be a good idea to go into the hospital just to be safe. Mark got off of work and we made our way there Monday night. That is where we got the worst news we will probably ever get. The nurse spent about five minutes trying to find a heartbeat, and there was a couple times we thought we may have heard something faint, so we were trying to stay positive. After the doctor came in and did an ultrasound, we then realized that faint heartbeat was probably just my heart pounding so hard. The words that I had been dreading ever since the day we found out about her diagnosis were said: "there is no heartbeat". She had said that with how low the fluid levels were Adalyn had probably been gone for several days. 

To think that she had passed already and that we were not going to get to hold her and feel her beating heart tore us to pieces. I was so angry that I was not going to get to hear her cry or feel the warmth of her body. Surprisingly, I sit here today and tell you that we are okay with how everything happened. To know that she was not going to have to suffer and that she passed away while in the comfort of my womb helped us be more at peace. The fact that we did not have to watch her take her final breath was in a way, easier. 

We ended up going home that night and decided to come back Tuesday morning since I was not far enough in labor, and it also gave our parents time to get up here. Before I forget, I want to stop myself and also let you know that my platelets were at 479,000! Higher than they have ever been... thanks to all of your prayers and my wonderful doctors. Okay, back to where I was... I woke up at 5 am Tuesday morning and my contractions had gotten to be five minutes apart. So, we headed to the hospital a little early. To fast forward a little, I will skip the gory (and painful) labor part.

1:30 p.m..... Adalyn May came into this world. Our nurse, Hope, who was the most wonderful person and nurse I have ever met, took her and gave her a bath for us. After wrapping her up she brought her out for us to meet her. Of course, she warned us that there were a few things to get ready for. She said that her nose got a little smooshed because she had been gone for a few days, her eyes were more like slits, and she was also "softer" since she had not been alive for a little bit. Despite these things and the blood that was coming out of her mouth, we could not have had a more perfect and beautiful baby girl. Yeah yeah.. I know that I am her mommy and I am biased, but I will tell you, she really was perfect. To think that there were so many things that were internally "messed up" you would have never known it!

Her hands.... she had my long "piano playing" fingers (or chicken feet as Mark calls them). They were the cutest things I had ever seen. Oh, and she also had her daddy's crooked pinky finger!

Her feet.... she also had the cutest little feet! We were wondering why her one foot was a little curled, but when her Grandma Cathy came into the room and saw them she instantly shouted "she has Mark's feet!" Apparently that is exactly how her daddy's feet were when he was born.. imagine that! 

Her cheeks... I just wanted to pinch her cheeks because they were so stinkin' cute! They were not that "chubby" but they were adorable.

These are just some of the things that were perfect about her, but I will not spend too much time talking about it.. I do not want to brag too much! So, to sum things up, Mark and I are the happiest parents and are so blessed to have such an amazing family. We got to spend a long time taking turns holding our little girl, and we also got LOTS of pictures. We will ALWAYS cherish that time that we got with her, and I will ALWAYS remember every little feature on her perfect little face until the day that we are reunited in heaven. Thank you again for all of the prayers and the AMAZING support that we have received over the last several months and continue to receive to this day. We would not be here today without our faith, friends, and family. I love you all....

Shortly after her birth... feelings of complete joy and also of grief overwhelmed us.

This was the one thing that I have been looking forward to for as long as I can remember... seeing Mark as a dad and holding his little girl. He was SO PROUD and happy. Never have I seen so much love on someone's face than I did when he was holding her.

You can kind of see her long fingers and adorable hands..

Holding her in my arms was the best feeling in the world... those 9 months of pregnancy and the labor pains were well worth it.

Our precious angel... Adalyn May.

Proud parents!

 

Her cute feet!! Totally her daddy's.. although his are NOT cute!

Proud grandparents.. Adalyn could not have been blessed with more amazing grandparents than them. We are so thankful... we would not be where we are today if it were not for them!

Post Treatment Update

It has been a couple of days since my last treatment, but I wanted to post an update about it. I started the IVIG on Sunday, and when I went back Monday I got a CBC to check my levels. Well... they were up to 117,000. My doctor was very happy that it had already started working within 24 hours. I got my second treatment Monday, but I will not know my levels until next Tuesday. We are just praying that this treatment works, and my levels stay up at least until Adalyn comes. Thank you all again for your support and prayers.

Update 9/7

Update:
 
After going back and forth trying to get a hold of my hematologist (apparently he's very busy) we figured out a treatment plan. I am going to get a treatment called IVIG or Intravenous Immunoglobulin. It is an IV treatment that I get over a period of two days, starting Sunday. I guess it is safe for pregnancy and should not have a lot of side effects. My doctor seemed very surprised that my levels dropped so fast, so please pray that they stay up after this treatment. Hopefully I will have a positive update for you next week. Thanks again for the prayers and support.