I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?"
A wonderful friend recently sent me a CD called "Addy's Mix" in the mail. She also lost her daughter not long after we did, and told me that she listens to these songs when she is feeling down to help pick her up. The above lyrics are from a song called "Beautiful Things" by a band called Gungor. This song is on that CD... and I have been putting it on repeat every time I get in my car. The lyrics have really touched me and I have felt God telling me there is a reason I have been stuck on this song...
You see, I have been struggling more than I realized lately and have had a heavy heart. I had thought that the grief would get better over time... but it hasn't. Things are supposed to get easier over time, are they not? Instead, I find myself thinking of our little girl all the time and wondering what she would be doing right now. I see pictures of friends' babies who have reached milestones such as turning three months old. I am excited for them, but at the same time I catch myself thinking "Adalyn would be three months today..." or "she should have been in that family picture...". I know that grief effects everyone differently, and for me, it is going to get harder before it gets easier.
That is why I decided to post this.... for all of you who have been suffering or who have suffered at one point in your life. I tell myself everyday that there are countless others who have lost a child or who have been suffering lately. I am not the only one. But we can do something with this suffering. Instead of waking up everyday and thinking of the "what ifs" and letting it bring us down, we can use our pain.
Recently, we had a guest speaker at church, who did a sermon solely on suffering and titled it "A Life and Death Matter". She talked about James 1:1-18, which is about trials and temptations.
2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. 6 But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. 7 That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
9 Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. 10 But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. 11 For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
13 When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14 but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. 15 Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
16 Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. 17 Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. 18 He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.
"The testing of your faith produces perseverance...." God is using these trials to make you stronger! "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life..." Anyone who is going through a trial right now might not feel very blessed or feel very loved. But ultimately, you are blessed! These trials in your life are put there to make you stronger, so that you may use them to help others and to draw nearer to the Lord. One definition of the word blessed is: divinely or supremely favored; fortunate. We are given these trials because He knows that we can get through them with His help. In the end, you will come out stronger and a better person if you rely on Him. Do not let this suffering go to waste or bring you down.... use it to come out stronger and better. As it says in verse 12... that person will receive the CROWN OF LIFE....
The rest of the Gungor song sums it up:
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.
All around,
Hope is springin up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.
You make me new,
You are making me new.
You make me new,
You are making me new. (making me new.)
