Post Doctor Visit

It has been three days since our doctor visit on Thursday, and I feel that we have taken a few steps backwards. After spending two hours in the ultrasound room and having the doctor come back twice to get a better look at things, I have lost a little bit of hope. The ultrasound doctor gave us a copy of the problems they found on the ultrasound to give to the palliative care team when we meet. Mark and I have obviously prepared for the worst, but hearing the words come from our doctor were very hard to take in. My heart sank when we heard some of the problems described. Of course, we are still praying for a miracle that we can somehow bring little Adalyn home, but now I am not so sure that is what God has in mind for our baby girl.

One of the findings on the list was that she has a hypoplastic left heart, meaning that her left side is smaller than the rest. When Dr. Goldman explained to us that the left side is the most important and that it pumps blood to the rest of the body, we knew it meant that it was bad. They also found some things that suggested dandy walker malformation, which means that parts of the brain are not formed correctly, and Dr. Goldman said he thinks that the connection will not be there because of it. They also said there were abnormal findings with the face and head, but we are not sure what all the big words mean. Hopefully when we go see the palliative care team they will be able to explain them better. To sum everything up, some of our worst fears came true on Thursday. 


Again, I feel so angry and I have been asking over and over, why us? I have been wanting to be a mother for as long as I can remember, and the past seven years of my work career and life have revolved around children. The Lord knows how much I love children, and to think that He would do something like this to me just seems so cruel. But again, Mark and I have been reminding each other that there IS a reason for this, and He gave us this precious child for a reason. Adalyn is already such a blessing to us and we are enjoying each and every moment with her for as long as we have her with us. Each and every kick or movement I feel I treasure because it reminds me that she is still alive and kicking, just like the soccer player we had predicted her to be.


My mother-in-law is up visiting us right now, and she has told us the positive impact that Adalyn has already made on lots of people. She said that friends of friends are praying for us and that a friend from church is using our story in her high school classroom to help teach a lesson on the real value of life. This has helped us to restore some hope, knowing that our precious angel has already made some type of impact on others. Maybe someday it will save another child's life, if another mom reads this who is in our situation and decides not to terminate her pregnancy. Or maybe it will help people to see how valuable life is, and to enjoy each and every moment you have with the loved ones around you. I know that Mark and I will be forever changed by this, and that one day when we have healthy children we will appreciate every second we get with them. We will also tell them the story of their sister who they will someday meet, if she does not get to meet them on earth. We will all be stronger from this, and will do our best to use this for good the rest of our lives. I hope that if you are reading this, it helps you see life a little differently and to appreciate the loved ones who you are blessed with and to enjoy every second you get with them. I know that we will.