20 weeks, 3 days: Finding Strength

20 weeks, 3 days:

It has been almost two long weeks since we got our terrible news, and somehow I am sitting here in a positive spirit writing this. We never realized how much we are loved and cared for, until people started hearing about our sweet angel's diagnosis. Words can not describe how helpful it has been to know that we are loved and that even though no one has met Adalyn yet she is extremely loved. The phone calls, emails, and messages that we have received expressing care and concern have been overwhelming. No one has known quite what to say to us, so we just tell them that simply knowing they are there for us is what matters. That has been what has kept us going.

Although we have only been in Boston 7 months, we have created relationships with people at our church and I feel that we have a family at Grace Chapel. On Thursday we met with Pastor Cynthia, one of the senior pastors at Grace, and she was able to give us a better perspective on our situation. Of course, Mark and I have decided to continue with this pregnancy and enjoy the precious life that we have been blessed with, and she was able to help us feel better about our choice. No one ever wants to think about their own child dying, especially before they even enter the world, but that is one of the things that crosses our minds and conversations often. I explained to Cynthia how angry I am at God for doing this to our child, and that I have been jealous at the other pregnant women I see and the families that are able to run around and enjoy their children. What she said next made me realize that it is okay to be angry and I should not feel bad. She said "You're human, it is perfectly okay to be angry." 

Over the next hour of talking to her she helped us to see a new light. She reminded us that Adalyn is a child of God, and that if and when He does decide to call her home she will be in a place of peace and comfort. We know that one day we will be reunited and will get to spend an eternity with her. As much as we would love to spend more time with our sweet angel on earth, we know that one day we will see her again, and that we will enjoy each and every moment that we have with her from now until then. When Cynthia told us that she did not think that she would be able to handle our situation as well as we have, it made me feel better. We have had several people tell us how brave and how proud they are of us for making the choices and handling this the way that we have. Our genetic counselor, Pam, called me on Friday to see how we were doing and told me that she is just so impressed with how we are handling it. She said that we are handling everything much better than most people, and that really helped to hear it. Mark and I had decided that no matter what we would make sure something positive comes from this, and hearing people tell us that makes us realize that we are on the right path to our goal. 

Tomorrow, I am calling Dr. Goldman to set up another ultrasound so that we can meet with the palliative care team at BWH. The palliative care team consists of doctors and nurses that are trained for these situations, which is basically a hospice program. We are going to prepare ourselves for the best and the worst scenarios, and hopefully it will help us get through everything to the best of our abilities. We are planning on bringing Adalyn home, but if the Lord calls her before that then we will be as ready as possible. 

Pastor Cynthia quoted some verses out of Psalm 77, which the poem Footprints came from, and related it to our situation. After I went home and read the whole thing I will continue to go back and reference this Psalm. It talks about crying out to Him and wondering if He hears these cries, but then it goes back to remembering all of the miracles that God performed back when Moses was alive and that He is still an awesome God. In some way, a miracle will come from this situation.

Here is a verse:

Your path led through the sea, your way through the mighty waters, though your footprints were not seen. Psalm 77:19 NIV

...through the darkest days of my life…..where were you God…..I only saw one set of footprints in the sand…..where were you God….those were the times, my child, when I carried you…….