Happy 4th Birthday Adalyn May

Wow. Four years. On this day four years ago I was holding you in my arms saying our last temporary goodbyes. That was the hardest, yet one of the best days of my life. I finally got to hold you in my arms, but I also had to say goodbye. That goodbye was so bittersweet, because I wanted to be so selfish and keep you here on earth with me, but I knew that you were with Jesus, and one day we would be together again. 

Those 38 weeks that I was able to carry you were such a blessing. I loved feeling your hiccups, your kicks, and your little personality, all while you were in my belly. I pray that you could feel how much we loved you inside of there, and how much we still love you. Choosing life and choosing you was the best decision we ever made. Even though you were here on earth with us for such a short time, my life will never be the same. Having you in my life has made me a better person and mother. I have been able to appreciate life so much more, love so much harder, and my faith has grown so much more. 

I know that despite being a better person because of you, I am so far from perfect. I sometimes struggle.. okay I struggle a lot, to trust God and His plan completely. I know without a doubt that He put you in our lives for a reason, and I am forever grateful He chose us as your parents. What I struggle with is being afraid to go through what we went through with you again. I still grieve for you everyday, and I am doing my best to honor you and your beautiful story, but I am so afraid to lose another child. When I was pregnant with your brother, I had anxiety each and every day that something would happen. It wasn't until he was crying in my arms that I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and finally shed nothing but happy tears. And now, I am carrying another sibling of yours, and I thought the anxiety would be better once we had a healthy baby in our lives.. but it is worse. I pray each and every day for God to give me the strength to totally trust in His plan and for a healthy baby, and one day I will be able to overcome this fear.. but today is not one of those days. One thing I do know, is that you will watch over this sweet baby just as you have watched over your crazy brother. I feel it in my heart. 

When I see little girls who would be your age, or even hear the name Adalyn, I always get a sharp pain in my heart. I constantly try to imagine what you would have gotten into here on earth! Would you have loved Barbies or hated them like your mommy did? Would you be playing soccer this fall and be the feisty one on the field growling at the boys like your mommy did? Or maybe you would have been a dancer? I can only imagine what you would be like now, and I know you would be, and still are, an amazing girl. Sometimes I do get jealous when I see other little girls with their families, and I wish that I could watch you grow up like they can. I even picture what is would be like to watch your daddy walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. I know that is one thing he will miss the most. But we remind ourselves that God had a bigger purpose for us, and that one day we will get to spend eternity with you.. which is much better than this temporary time on earth. 

I know that there are so many mothers and families out there who have gone through what we went through, or will go through what we went through, so I am not alone in my struggles. People are grieving each and every day from going through a loss. My hope is that your beautiful life, and your story, will be able to help someone else get through the unimaginable. Thank you for being my beautiful, sweet angel. You are so very loved.

Happy birthday Adalyn May!


This is my message to those who read this: I pray that our story will show people that they are not alone. That they will know the pain does get better.. even though it never completely goes away. And that choosing life is the best choice they can make. God had a plan for each and every child before they were even created, and He gives us each and every child for a specific purpose, so embrace your story and your pain, and know that with God all things are possible. My life will forever be changed and I can say without a doubt that I am stronger today than I was 4 years ago. Learn to lean on the Lord and trust that He already knows your heart.. He will not give you more than you can handle WITH HIM. And finally, know that you are not alone in your struggles. Whether you have gone through the loss of a child, a family member, a divorce, the loss of a job, or anything else, the Lord is with you. He will not forsake you and will be there with you each step of the way. Hang in there!

Gungor: Beautiful Things

James 1:2-4
"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

Always and Forever

As I sit here in the back seat on our way to Nashville to spend time this weekend as a family, I get this sharp pain in my heart.... someone is missing. Our whole family is not here.. at least not physically. We are missing our sweet angel Adalyn. Of course this is not the first time I have felt this, in fact I feel it every second of every day, but it is really hitting me as we get closer to her second birthday. Our sweet Adalyn May would be turning two years old in a few weeks. Where has the time gone? While I sit here admiring our beautiful almost seven month old son who I thank God for every day I still have this deep pain and empty place in my heart where I am always missing our little girl.

I know that time has passed since I held her in my arms and we have gotten through the intense stages of grief, but not a second passes during the day where I don't miss our little girl. Some of you have been so kind and empathetic even up to this point which makes us feel a sense of hope, because you still talk about her and mention her in our conversations. It really means a lot to know that she has not been forgotten, and she has surely made an impact on others' lives.

Through this experience we have met a lot of amazing people and have also learned a lot about people we already knew. Some of those people have lost children too, whether it be through miscarriage or a similar situation to ours, they have gone through the same devastation of losing a child. We are not the only people in the universe who has lost a child. Sometimes I wonder why God lets things like this happen.. why would He let anyone suffer so much pain? There is so much going on in this world, from the violence and chaos in Ferguson, MO, to the monsters who call themselves ISIS who have been slaughtering innocent Christians and people. Again, why does God let these things happen?

I know I don't have all the answers, and I never will, but the major thing I have learned from all this is that God is right there hurting with you. He does not want you to hurt, but He is wanting to strengthen you through this experience. He is wanting you to reach out for Him and He wants you to want Him in your life. Things may seem awful or impossible, but He wants to help you get through the worst. You do not need to try to get through things on tour own.. you dont have to be strong! It is okay to feel weak and need help. That is what He is there for. To pick you off the floor and make you stronger! James 1:2-4 has been a verse I constantly fall back on.. "2. consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3. because you knkw that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking in anything.

Recently I have had a couple very dear people in my life who have been diagnosed with cancer. It has really made me evaluate things and has also made me even more thankful every day for all of the blessings God has placed in our lives. What I have learned from all of this is that God has a purpose for everything He places in your life. Whether it be job relocations, job losses, sickness, or even death, He knows the plans He has made for you even before it happens. Those times of sickness and grief are not intended to break you. In fact it is just the opposite. Even at the darkest of times when you can not see over that massive mountain in front of you, remember that it was put there to make you stronger. James 1:2-4 is a constant reminder to that. Don't be afraid to ask God to help you move that mountain... He is definitely capable of it. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!


On another note, I know people have mixed feelings about tattoos (mom) but I have been wanting to get something that I can ALWAYS carry with me to look down at and smile remembering my beautiful little girl. I recently had someone design it and got it done about six weeks ago, but here is my small memorial to our little girl.

Mark and I have recently been doing a lot of talking about angels... and we have decided that our sweet angel has been watching over her little brother. It is the only explanation for all of the many times little Caden has looked up at "nothing" on the ceiling and smiles and laughs. It is a daily occurrence... sometimes he will be upset or fussy and will look straight up in his crib or laying on our bed and will get a huge grin on his face. There is no doubt in my mind that angels exist, and I am certain our Addy May is a beautiful angel watching down on us. I have heard that babies and children can see angels... so maybe he sees his big sissy :-)

Love you always and forever Adalyn May ♡♡

Happy Birthday Adalyn May!

Happy Birthday Adalyn May!

One year ago today you came into this world. From that day we got the huge surprise of the positive pregnancy test even while I sit here contemplating what to write, I can say without a doubt that our lives have forever been changed.

I have been thinking about this day for a while now, and as I thought about it I was trying to anticipate how I would handle it. Would I be able to get out of bed in the morning? Would I be able to make it through a full day of work? Well, I sit here right now with a vast amount of mixed emotions. Of course I am sad and continue to grieve our sweet angel girl, but I also sit here with an amazing amount of joy. When we first found out the diagnosis of Trisomy 13, I was so angry and in disbelief that something that horrible could happen to us. Over the last year I have come to take those feelings back. God did not take our little girl to spite us, he BLESSED us with her. 

Just knowing that He chose us to bring her into the world gives me joy. In Romans 5:3-5 it says: 

3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I can say without a doubt that we are both better people, better in our relationship, and better in our relationship with Christ. We have grown so much because she was given to us.

Of course not everything about our sweet angel's diagnosis is all peaches and cream, because I still wake up every single day missing her and wishing she was there. We have conversations all the time about what she would be doing today if she were here. Would she be walking already? Probably, because she has her daddy's genes in there. Everytime we walk through the stores and see princess toys or adorable girl's clothes we get a little envious and sad that we can not buy these things for her. We will never be able to buy her tutus or princess clothes, and will never be able to sign her up for soccer or even dance. I think about these things every day.

But then, when I think of these things I still remind myself how blessed we are and how one day in the future we will be able to spend eternity with her and do whatever we want with her. Maybe we will have a family soccer game or eat blueberry softserve ice cream as much as we want. We will get to see her without an ounce of pain or suffering, and she will be her perfect self. Until then, she will be our guardian angel.

For anyone that we do not talk to or see regularly, I am happy to announce that our sweet Adalyn is going to be a big sister. Her little brother is due February 8 of next year. She will have her hands full watching out for him that's for sure. 

I also want to give a big thank you to those of you who follow this blog and who have supported us through prayer or kind words. We are so blessed to have the people that we do in our lives. We continue to ask for prayers as we miss our sweet girl daily and also for her brother to be healthy and safe. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Making Beautiful Things Out of Dust...

"All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?"

A wonderful friend recently sent me a CD called "Addy's Mix" in the mail. She also lost her daughter not long after we did, and told me that she listens to these songs when she is feeling down to help pick her up. The above lyrics are from a song called "Beautiful Things" by a band called Gungor. This song is on that CD... and I have been putting it on repeat every time I get in my car. The lyrics have really touched me and I have felt God telling me there is a reason I have been stuck on this song...

You see, I have been struggling more than I realized lately and have had a heavy heart. I had thought that the grief would get better over time... but it hasn't. Things are supposed to get easier over time, are they not? Instead, I find myself thinking of our little girl all the time and wondering what she would be doing right now. I see pictures of friends' babies who have reached milestones such as turning three months old. I am excited for them, but at the same time I catch myself thinking "Adalyn would be three months today..." or "she should have been in that family picture...". I know that grief effects everyone differently, and for me, it is going to get harder before it gets easier.

That is why I decided to post this.... for all of you who have been suffering or who have suffered at one point in your life. I tell myself everyday that there are countless others who have lost a child or who have been suffering lately. I am not the only one. But we can do something with this suffering. Instead of waking up everyday and thinking of the "what ifs" and letting it bring us down, we can use our pain. 

Recently, we had a guest speaker at church, who did a sermon solely on suffering and titled it "A Life and Death Matter". She talked about James 1:1-18, which is about trials and temptations.   

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
⁹ Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. ¹⁰ But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. ¹¹ For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸ He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

"The testing of your faith produces perseverance...." God is using these trials to make you stronger! "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life..." Anyone who is going through a trial right now might not feel very blessed or feel very loved. But ultimately, you are blessed! These trials in your life are put there to make you stronger, so that you may use them to help others and to draw nearer to the Lord. One definition of the word blessed is: divinely or supremely favored; fortunate. We are given these trials because He knows that we can get through them with His help. In the end, you will come out stronger and a better person if you rely on Him. Do not let this suffering go to waste or bring you down.... use it to come out stronger and better. As it says in verse 12... that person will receive the CROWN OF LIFE.... 

The rest of the Gungor song sums it up: 
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.


All around,
Hope is springin up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.


You make me new,
You are making me new.
You make me new,
You are making me new. (making me new.)

Happy Holidays!

It has been a few weeks since I last posted on here and even though Adalyn is no longer with us on earth, I thought I would continue to update our blog so that her story can continue to touch others' lives. I have been having a lot of thoughts flooding my mind lately so here goes nothing....

Well, the holidays are officially here! For those of you who know me personally, I do not have to remind you what this means to me... but for those of you reading this who I have not had the privilege of meeting, I will sum it up in one sentence: I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Of course the pretty decorations, gorgeous light displays, delicious food, and wonderful music are all really nice... but that is not my favorite thing about this season. It is the Christmas spirit that rapidly spreads through so many people that I enjoy. Everyone seems to be a little bit happier and nicer during these times. People are in a more giving spirit and want to help others more around Christmas! This is where the Advent Conspiracy comes into play. What is the Advent Conspiracy you may ask? Here is the link: Advent Conspiracy. Okay okay I know it sounds like a promotional ad, but this is something that means a lot to me. If everyone were to buy a little less and give a little more, the world would be a much better place!

To change the subject, I do want to spend a little time talking about our family. A lot of people have been telling us that they are still praying for us, which means the world. It has been almost 10 weeks since our precious angel's birthday. We still miss her every second of every day, and will never stop missing her. It has been a journey of ups and downs, and I know that we will continue to face obstacles in the times to come. We still pray for Him to give us strength all the time, because we are human and will hurt some days worse than others. We continue to grieve in our own ways, and will always grieve for our little girl. 

Even though I am so excited that it is the Christmas season, it just is not the same this year as it has been in the past. This holiday season is probably going to be the hardest. It definitely has already started to get hard. It started with Halloween... when we realized that we were not going to be able to dress our little girl in the lady bug costume that we had in mind for her. When we first found out she was due before Halloween, we were so excited that we were going to be able to dress her up in an itty bitty costume. Baby lady bugs are just so cute! 

Thanksgiving.... it was definitely a little hard, because we both knew that someone was missing. It was a mixture of emotions that day as we sat around with all of our friends and enjoyed each others' company. We have so many things to be thankful for, and we will always praise Him for all of the things that he has blessed us with. We have an amazing group of people in our lives who I thank God for every day. Our friends and family have been our rock this last year, and we do not know where we would be without them. We also live in an awesome city and have gotten an experience that we will cherish forever. I could go on about all of the things we are thankful for.. but the main thing is Adalyn May. We are so thankful for the time that we had with her and to know that we will one day be reunited with her. We can not wait to get to hold her and hug her again! So even though I have been angry several times this past year, it is safe to say that we are so blessed. I pray that you will also look back and see all of the things that God has blessed you with in your life. Even the small things.... be sure to thank Him for being so merciful and loving!

 Today it really hit me hard when we were out buying our Christmas tree and started setting it up. I realized that we will never get to take Addy to help pick out a Christmas tree. She will never get to help hang ornaments while listening to Christmas music and drinking eggnog (family tradition). We will never be able to take her to get her picture with Santa, or dress her in a beautiful Christmas dress. We will also never get to see her face on Christmas morning as she opens up her gifts from Santa. For the longest time I had been looking forward to starting a family and creating our own traditions every year. I would constantly bug Mark about all of the things I could not wait to do with our children every holiday season. One day we may have other children that we get to do these things with, but we will never get to do them with our little Adalyn. I know that over the years things will get easier, but in my heart I will always think this. 

For now, we just have to remind ourselves that our sweet angel is looking down on us and would want us to be happy and to enjoy this season. Again, it is so bittersweet... knowing that we have been blessed with our little girl, but not getting to do these little things with her as she grows up. There are probably so many people out there who have lost a child like we have, and our also hurting right now. I ask all of you to say a special prayer for these families during this time. 

On a happier note, we would like to welcome Adalyn's new cousin, Gabriel Michael, into our family! Baby Gabe was born last Wednesday at a healthy 8 lbs 6 oz! We are so excited to meet our new nephew this Christmas! I know that Adalyn is looking down and loving her new cousin... she can already start her guardian angel duties! 

Mark and I got to go home for his best friend Jeremy's wedding last month. He was a handsome groomsman!

Mark surprised me last night by taking me downtown to get sushi and to see the Grinch musical! The Grinch is my favorite movie ever... so it was a wonderful surprise!

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

I have learned a lot of things during this journey, one of them being that we are only one of countless families that have lost a child. Before our lives changed with the devastating diagnosis, we were so oblivious to what was going on around us. I have heard from so many women who have told me about their miscarriages and what they have gone through. They tell me that it is not quite the same as what we have gone through, but it does not matter if it is the same because one way or the other, it is devastating. 

I also hear about friends of friends who have had babies with some kind of illness or trisomy. They have lost their children at some point, and have gone through what Mark and I are going through. I had no idea how many there were until now, and it makes me wonder why God lets these things happen. I know that He probably has a plan in mind for each of these families, but it is hard to think that so many babies have passed away. 

I am writing this post in honor of all of these people who have lost a child or children. No matter what the circumstance, it affects us for the rest of our lives. We will always grieve and remember our children. Even if and when we go on to have other children, we will always think about the ones we have lost, and how they should be growing up right alongside their siblings. Life is not fair, but it is how we handle it and what we make of what is thrown at us that makes us who we are. We have been forever changed, and have become stronger and better people.

As Mark and I still grieve, there have been talks about trying again for another baby. We feel that in some way, it will help our grieving process. To think that one day we will be able to have a healthy baby gives us hope during these times. One thing that crosses our thoughts is what people will think of us if we get pregnant again. Will they think that we are trying to "replace" our little girl? I would hope not... we know that we have so many people who love and will always support us. I recently read a quote that says "I could go on to have 1,000 more children.... but there will always be 1 missing." This is so true... Adalyn will forever be in our hearts and minds, and we will never be trying to "replace" her. We always say that one day Addy will have brothers and sisters, and will be their guardian angel. Grandma Scholz reminded us that she will have her hands full if our children are anything like we were. Get ready Addy!!

"Although we know that after such a loss, the acute stage of mourning will subside, we also know that we shall remain inconsolable and will never find a substitute.  No matter what may fill the gap, even if it be filled completely, it nevertheless remains something else. And actually, this is how it should be. It is the only way of perpetuating that love which we do not want to relinquish". -Sigmund Frued

Update..

First off, I want to thank everyone who read my last post and prayed for these two families. I know they appreciated the prayers, and will appreciate even more prayers as they continue to go through their journeys. 

I will start off with an update on the Romito family. Little Robbie had his open heart surgery last Thursday to fix his precious little heart. The surgery was a success and he is recovering wonderfully! Every day he gets stronger and they get closer to bringing him home. God is so good!! I am sure they will appreciate more prayers that he continues to get better everyday :-)

The other family I asked for prayers is the Davis family. Little Kinsley was born last Wednesday around 4:00 p.m. and survived 39 minutes. They had 39 precious minutes with their beautiful girl before she went to go see Jesus. Please pray for comfort, peace, and strength for Katie and Josh as they continue on this journey until the day they are reunited with their little girl. It has been a bittersweet journey that both of our families have been on, as we have been blessed with beautiful little angels, yet we only had a short time with them. I know that Adalyn was there to greet little Kinsley, along with their friend Harrison Mummert. These three precious angels will probably be best friends and will be there waiting for us when we finally get to be reunited.

Thank you everyone for your prayers and support. These two families, along with Mark and I, are forever grateful for people like you who have been there for us. 

Update on our family: 

Mark and I spent two wonderful weeks back in Dayton with friends and family. We were surrounded by love and support the entire time. Thank you everyone for blessing us with lots of love and comfort! We are now home, and we brought someone back with us. Little miss Roxy made the 14 hour trip back to Boston! She is our 50 lb mutt who is full of energy. We will definitely keep busy with her!

We will continue to post updates on our family, as we have both heard our calling to use our precious Addy May to show God's love and grace. I am not sure exactly how he wants to continue to use us, but I pray that He will lead us on this journey. Thank you all again for helping us on it... we are so blessed!