Happy 4th Birthday Adalyn May

Wow. Four years. On this day four years ago I was holding you in my arms saying our last temporary goodbyes. That was the hardest, yet one of the best days of my life. I finally got to hold you in my arms, but I also had to say goodbye. That goodbye was so bittersweet, because I wanted to be so selfish and keep you here on earth with me, but I knew that you were with Jesus, and one day we would be together again. 

Those 38 weeks that I was able to carry you were such a blessing. I loved feeling your hiccups, your kicks, and your little personality, all while you were in my belly. I pray that you could feel how much we loved you inside of there, and how much we still love you. Choosing life and choosing you was the best decision we ever made. Even though you were here on earth with us for such a short time, my life will never be the same. Having you in my life has made me a better person and mother. I have been able to appreciate life so much more, love so much harder, and my faith has grown so much more. 

I know that despite being a better person because of you, I am so far from perfect. I sometimes struggle.. okay I struggle a lot, to trust God and His plan completely. I know without a doubt that He put you in our lives for a reason, and I am forever grateful He chose us as your parents. What I struggle with is being afraid to go through what we went through with you again. I still grieve for you everyday, and I am doing my best to honor you and your beautiful story, but I am so afraid to lose another child. When I was pregnant with your brother, I had anxiety each and every day that something would happen. It wasn't until he was crying in my arms that I was able to breathe a sigh of relief and finally shed nothing but happy tears. And now, I am carrying another sibling of yours, and I thought the anxiety would be better once we had a healthy baby in our lives.. but it is worse. I pray each and every day for God to give me the strength to totally trust in His plan and for a healthy baby, and one day I will be able to overcome this fear.. but today is not one of those days. One thing I do know, is that you will watch over this sweet baby just as you have watched over your crazy brother. I feel it in my heart. 

When I see little girls who would be your age, or even hear the name Adalyn, I always get a sharp pain in my heart. I constantly try to imagine what you would have gotten into here on earth! Would you have loved Barbies or hated them like your mommy did? Would you be playing soccer this fall and be the feisty one on the field growling at the boys like your mommy did? Or maybe you would have been a dancer? I can only imagine what you would be like now, and I know you would be, and still are, an amazing girl. Sometimes I do get jealous when I see other little girls with their families, and I wish that I could watch you grow up like they can. I even picture what is would be like to watch your daddy walk you down the aisle on your wedding day. I know that is one thing he will miss the most. But we remind ourselves that God had a bigger purpose for us, and that one day we will get to spend eternity with you.. which is much better than this temporary time on earth. 

I know that there are so many mothers and families out there who have gone through what we went through, or will go through what we went through, so I am not alone in my struggles. People are grieving each and every day from going through a loss. My hope is that your beautiful life, and your story, will be able to help someone else get through the unimaginable. Thank you for being my beautiful, sweet angel. You are so very loved.

Happy birthday Adalyn May!


This is my message to those who read this: I pray that our story will show people that they are not alone. That they will know the pain does get better.. even though it never completely goes away. And that choosing life is the best choice they can make. God had a plan for each and every child before they were even created, and He gives us each and every child for a specific purpose, so embrace your story and your pain, and know that with God all things are possible. My life will forever be changed and I can say without a doubt that I am stronger today than I was 4 years ago. Learn to lean on the Lord and trust that He already knows your heart.. He will not give you more than you can handle WITH HIM. And finally, know that you are not alone in your struggles. Whether you have gone through the loss of a child, a family member, a divorce, the loss of a job, or anything else, the Lord is with you. He will not forsake you and will be there with you each step of the way. Hang in there!

Gungor: Beautiful Things

James 1:2-4
"2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."