As I sit here in the back seat on our way to Nashville to spend time this weekend as a family, I get this sharp pain in my heart.... someone is missing. Our whole family is not here.. at least not physically. We are missing our sweet angel Adalyn. Of course this is not the first time I have felt this, in fact I feel it every second of every day, but it is really hitting me as we get closer to her second birthday. Our sweet Adalyn May would be turning two years old in a few weeks. Where has the time gone? While I sit here admiring our beautiful almost seven month old son who I thank God for every day I still have this deep pain and empty place in my heart where I am always missing our little girl.
I know that time has passed since I held her in my arms and we have gotten through the intense stages of grief, but not a second passes during the day where I don't miss our little girl. Some of you have been so kind and empathetic even up to this point which makes us feel a sense of hope, because you still talk about her and mention her in our conversations. It really means a lot to know that she has not been forgotten, and she has surely made an impact on others' lives.
Through this experience we have met a lot of amazing people and have also learned a lot about people we already knew. Some of those people have lost children too, whether it be through miscarriage or a similar situation to ours, they have gone through the same devastation of losing a child. We are not the only people in the universe who has lost a child. Sometimes I wonder why God lets things like this happen.. why would He let anyone suffer so much pain? There is so much going on in this world, from the violence and chaos in Ferguson, MO, to the monsters who call themselves ISIS who have been slaughtering innocent Christians and people. Again, why does God let these things happen?
I know I don't have all the answers, and I never will, but the major thing I have learned from all this is that God is right there hurting with you. He does not want you to hurt, but He is wanting to strengthen you through this experience. He is wanting you to reach out for Him and He wants you to want Him in your life. Things may seem awful or impossible, but He wants to help you get through the worst. You do not need to try to get through things on tour own.. you dont have to be strong! It is okay to feel weak and need help. That is what He is there for. To pick you off the floor and make you stronger! James 1:2-4 has been a verse I constantly fall back on.. "2. consider it pure joy my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3. because you knkw that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. 4. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete not lacking in anything.
Recently I have had a couple very dear people in my life who have been diagnosed with cancer. It has really made me evaluate things and has also made me even more thankful every day for all of the blessings God has placed in our lives. What I have learned from all of this is that God has a purpose for everything He places in your life. Whether it be job relocations, job losses, sickness, or even death, He knows the plans He has made for you even before it happens. Those times of sickness and grief are not intended to break you. In fact it is just the opposite. Even at the darkest of times when you can not see over that massive mountain in front of you, remember that it was put there to make you stronger. James 1:2-4 is a constant reminder to that. Don't be afraid to ask God to help you move that mountain... He is definitely capable of it. You can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens you!
On another note, I know people have mixed feelings about tattoos (mom) but I have been wanting to get something that I can ALWAYS carry with me to look down at and smile remembering my beautiful little girl. I recently had someone design it and got it done about six weeks ago, but here is my small memorial to our little girl.
Mark and I have recently been doing a lot of talking about angels... and we have decided that our sweet angel has been watching over her little brother. It is the only explanation for all of the many times little Caden has looked up at "nothing" on the ceiling and smiles and laughs. It is a daily occurrence... sometimes he will be upset or fussy and will look straight up in his crib or laying on our bed and will get a huge grin on his face. There is no doubt in my mind that angels exist, and I am certain our Addy May is a beautiful angel watching down on us. I have heard that babies and children can see angels... so maybe he sees his big sissy :-)
Love you always and forever Adalyn May ♡♡
