Happy Birthday Adalyn May!

Happy Birthday Adalyn May!

One year ago today you came into this world. From that day we got the huge surprise of the positive pregnancy test even while I sit here contemplating what to write, I can say without a doubt that our lives have forever been changed.

I have been thinking about this day for a while now, and as I thought about it I was trying to anticipate how I would handle it. Would I be able to get out of bed in the morning? Would I be able to make it through a full day of work? Well, I sit here right now with a vast amount of mixed emotions. Of course I am sad and continue to grieve our sweet angel girl, but I also sit here with an amazing amount of joy. When we first found out the diagnosis of Trisomy 13, I was so angry and in disbelief that something that horrible could happen to us. Over the last year I have come to take those feelings back. God did not take our little girl to spite us, he BLESSED us with her. 

Just knowing that He chose us to bring her into the world gives me joy. In Romans 5:3-5 it says: 

3 Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, 4 and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, 5 and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

I can say without a doubt that we are both better people, better in our relationship, and better in our relationship with Christ. We have grown so much because she was given to us.

Of course not everything about our sweet angel's diagnosis is all peaches and cream, because I still wake up every single day missing her and wishing she was there. We have conversations all the time about what she would be doing today if she were here. Would she be walking already? Probably, because she has her daddy's genes in there. Everytime we walk through the stores and see princess toys or adorable girl's clothes we get a little envious and sad that we can not buy these things for her. We will never be able to buy her tutus or princess clothes, and will never be able to sign her up for soccer or even dance. I think about these things every day.

But then, when I think of these things I still remind myself how blessed we are and how one day in the future we will be able to spend eternity with her and do whatever we want with her. Maybe we will have a family soccer game or eat blueberry softserve ice cream as much as we want. We will get to see her without an ounce of pain or suffering, and she will be her perfect self. Until then, she will be our guardian angel.

For anyone that we do not talk to or see regularly, I am happy to announce that our sweet Adalyn is going to be a big sister. Her little brother is due February 8 of next year. She will have her hands full watching out for him that's for sure. 

I also want to give a big thank you to those of you who follow this blog and who have supported us through prayer or kind words. We are so blessed to have the people that we do in our lives. We continue to ask for prayers as we miss our sweet girl daily and also for her brother to be healthy and safe. Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts.

Making Beautiful Things Out of Dust...

"All this pain..
I wonder if I'll ever find my way.
I wonder if my life could really change, at all.
All this earth..
Could all that is lost ever be found?
Could a garden come up from this ground, at all?"

A wonderful friend recently sent me a CD called "Addy's Mix" in the mail. She also lost her daughter not long after we did, and told me that she listens to these songs when she is feeling down to help pick her up. The above lyrics are from a song called "Beautiful Things" by a band called Gungor. This song is on that CD... and I have been putting it on repeat every time I get in my car. The lyrics have really touched me and I have felt God telling me there is a reason I have been stuck on this song...

You see, I have been struggling more than I realized lately and have had a heavy heart. I had thought that the grief would get better over time... but it hasn't. Things are supposed to get easier over time, are they not? Instead, I find myself thinking of our little girl all the time and wondering what she would be doing right now. I see pictures of friends' babies who have reached milestones such as turning three months old. I am excited for them, but at the same time I catch myself thinking "Adalyn would be three months today..." or "she should have been in that family picture...". I know that grief effects everyone differently, and for me, it is going to get harder before it gets easier.

That is why I decided to post this.... for all of you who have been suffering or who have suffered at one point in your life. I tell myself everyday that there are countless others who have lost a child or who have been suffering lately. I am not the only one. But we can do something with this suffering. Instead of waking up everyday and thinking of the "what ifs" and letting it bring us down, we can use our pain. 

Recently, we had a guest speaker at church, who did a sermon solely on suffering and titled it "A Life and Death Matter". She talked about James 1:1-18, which is about trials and temptations.   

² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.
⁹ Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. ¹⁰ But the rich should take pride in their humiliation—since they will pass away like a wild flower. ¹¹ For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business.
¹² Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him.
¹³ When tempted, no one should say, “God is tempting me.” For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; ¹⁴ but each person is tempted when they are dragged away by their own evil desire and enticed. ¹⁵ Then, after desire has conceived, it gives birth to sin; and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death.
¹⁶ Don’t be deceived, my dear brothers and sisters. ¹⁷ Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. ¹⁸ He chose to give us birth through the word of truth, that we might be a kind of firstfruits of all he created.

"The testing of your faith produces perseverance...." God is using these trials to make you stronger! "Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial, because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life..." Anyone who is going through a trial right now might not feel very blessed or feel very loved. But ultimately, you are blessed! These trials in your life are put there to make you stronger, so that you may use them to help others and to draw nearer to the Lord. One definition of the word blessed is: divinely or supremely favored; fortunate. We are given these trials because He knows that we can get through them with His help. In the end, you will come out stronger and a better person if you rely on Him. Do not let this suffering go to waste or bring you down.... use it to come out stronger and better. As it says in verse 12... that person will receive the CROWN OF LIFE.... 

The rest of the Gungor song sums it up: 
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of dust.
You make beautiful things,
You make beautiful things out of us.


All around,
Hope is springin up from this old ground.
Out of chaos, life is being found in You.


You make me new,
You are making me new.
You make me new,
You are making me new. (making me new.)